Some Sirius Advice
by ScatturedBraained
Summary: Someone, shoot me now! I'm not kidding, I don't care. I can't believe I have to work with SIRIUS! They said they wanted his advice on stuff, you want advice? I'll give you advice! SIRIUS BLACK IS AN IDIOT! Please, someone shoot me! NewPenname:Roux's-Starr
1. The Beginning of the End

**Ch. 1- Oh, How I Hate Mondays**

**Monday, October 14****th****, 5:43 PM**

I knocked softly on the Gryffindor portrait, and shuffled with my notes. This was going to suck bloody eggs. Oh, how I hate Mondays. The portrait swung open and Lily Evans stood there. We were sworn enemies until I gave her a spot in the school newspaper. Although we tolerated each other, we despised each other. She looked at me with compressed hatred. I tried to smile at her, but only managed a grimace.

"Hullo...I need to see Sirius Black, can you let me in?" I asked politely. She merely shrugged her shoulders.

"Why?"

"Well, seeing as you couldn't come to the meeting, I suppose I could tell you. We did a recent poll on what people would like to see in the paper, and over 84 of the school would like to see a," I looked at my notes again, groaned at the poor pun used and said, " 'Advice, Siriusly' column."

"Why?"

"To be honest, I don't know. I hate the git myself," I said, hoping she'd agree. She glared at me. Her green eyes flared, and I swear her red hair went a shade darker.

"I'm dating his best friend." I really, really _hate_ Mondays.

"Oh, well...could I just come in?" I heard a shuffling behind Lily and James Potter popped out from behind her and laced his arms around her.

"Hey, it's that Ravenclaw who's going to put Sirius in the papers!"

"Yes, now can I go find him? I have a whole, damn bag of letters he needs to reply to," I said, motioning to my bag. They stepped aside and I smiled gratefully. "Thank you."

I walked into the Gryffindor common room and felt an immediate distaste. It's not that I didn't like it, there just wasn't any bookshelves. The Ravenclaw common room was covered in bookshelves, every single one of them filled to the brim with books. That was one of the reasons I got into Ravenclaw. I could've gotten into Gryffindor but I preferred reading, even though most my age didn't. As did my friends. I navigated around the chairs in the warm room and made it to a couch were Sirius was snogging a girl with blonde hair.

"Sirius Black?" I asked, fearful that this boy was him.

"Huh?" He dropped his hold of the girl and looked up at me. I tried brushing my straight bangs behind my ear with no success. The girl glared at him and left.

"Hi, I'm Willow Jackson. The 'Hogwarts Herald' editor," I said while putting my hand out for him to shake. He peered at my hand and shook it. I realized he didn't recognize me, (although I had spoken to him this morning, the oblivious jackass.) "The 'Ravenclaw who's gonna put you in the paper'?" He face lit up with recognition.

"Ah, yes, of course. Excuse me," He said while I was sitting down. I shot my head up and looked at him. "Would you mind if I do something?"

"As long as you don't touch me, my bag or my books, I don't give a shit."

"I won't," He said while "chuckling." What an ass. He actually thought I would believe that he thought I was being funny. "Well, I like to take guesses at what kind people, people are. So, you're a brunette, green eyes, curly hair but straight bangs. (_No shit, Sherlock. Gawd, I'd rather talk to a wall that something as dumb as this_,) You obviously like reading, and you're editor. You are shy, quiet soul who likes cocoa and strolls on the beach. Am I right?" He was so freaking confident that he was right.

"Actually, I'm not shy, I'm out going and loud, I prefer icedI tea over heated beverages and I hate salt water. Are you a freaking game show host?"

"A what?"

"Never mind. Here are your letters. Please deliver your responses to me by tomorrow. I think it's self-explanatory. Good day," I turned to leave. He gasped loudly.

"You actually want me to _write_ my responses? I can't even read my hand writing, how are you supposed to?"

"I'm not going to be your secretary, Sirius," I turned and frowned at him. He shrugged and leaned back.

"I guess you don't want my column, then," That bastard was black mailing me!

"You can't be serious," I mentally slapped myself for using that word.

"I'm always Sirius. Now do you want my column or not?" I sighed and pulled my favorite quill out. I sat down and picked the first letter up. I hate Mondays, they're out to get me.

"_Dear Sirius,_

_I have a bit of a problem. You see, I have a boy friend who cares about me. But I think I'm in love with a certain black-haired man, (that's right, silly-willy goose!). I don't know how to tell him to bugger off. How would you handle this situation, Sirius?_

"_Sirius"- ly in Love_

"Well, that's easy!" Sirius cried. I readied my pen. "Tell them that you're moving to Africa, and the next time you see them in school insist that your evil twin was the one that was going out with them. I swear, some people are so stupid!"

"Sirius, if you are going to write advice you need to be," I shuddered and said _the _word_, "_seriousNow what you should tell her...or him, is that there is no need to pursue someone like you."

"Him? Someone like me?' He asked, obviously offended. I cocked an eyebrow.

"Sirius, how many girl friends do you have at this exact moment?" I questioned.

"Three. I mean," He realized his mistakes, "One of them is completely physical. DOH! I meant, I'm truly–"

"My point exactly. So, what do you want to write to the person?"

"Dear "Sirius"-ly in Love,

If the other boy cares for you, you shouldn't pursue someone like me. This boy cares for you and you shouldn't rip out his heart for no reason.

Sirius."

I looked up at him in shock.

"Sirius, that was deep!" I said.

"Yea, I just read what you were writing,," I glared at him. Okay, I had written down what I wanted this person to read. So what!?

"Next letter."

"How about this one?" He pulled a bright pink envelope out and read the letter.

"_Dear Sirius,_

_I'm dating two guys at the same time. One of them is really sweet and sensitive, and the other relationship is completely physical_. _Should I dump the meaningless relationship?_

_Torn in Two."_

"That's easy!" We both cried.

"Keep him!"

"Dump him!" We both called out. I, of course, yelled "dump him," Sirius, "keep him." I groaned.

"Okay. Sirius, let's pretend that you're Remus for a moment. Would Remus dump him or keep him?"

"REMUS IS GAY!?" I glared at him fiercely.

"NO, YOU DICK HEAD! I MEANT TRY TO BE SENSITIVE AND CARING!"

"Ooh. Then she should dump him," he said simply. People were staring now.

"I'm just going to put these two letters in the column. We'll answer the rest next week," I gritted my teeth into smile and left the common room.

Oh, how I hate Mondays.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Well? Did you like it? Please review! If you do, you'll get three marauders, virtual cookies and ice cream!**


	2. Snivellus if You're Them

Wednesday, October 16th, 11:34 AM

"Oh, Willow, darling, you are so lucky!" One of my room mates, Riley Turnbow, repeated for the fiftieth time. I gritted my teeth and kept sorting the mail. Nearly three-fourths of it was Sirius fan mail. Gag me.

"Oh, yes. Life's just a beach. I don't know how I couldn't see it the first forty-nine times you've told me," I snapped. Sirius had pissed me off, big time. I could hold a grudge forever if it was bad enough. I mean, Riley was best friend, but honestly, who could fall head-over-heels in love with this–this–this sad excuse for mankind!?

"Jeez, sorry. I think it's time for someone's n-a-p-p-i-e!" She chastised. I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Riley. It's just that this whole, "Advice, Siriusly' column is getting under my skin. I mean, on Monday, I had to endure Lily Evans, James Potter, Sirius Black and I swear Peter Pettigrew was staring at me."

"Pitsy Petey? Gross. But, you got to see Remus, didn't you?" I turned red at the mention of his name.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, please. You so like him. And he's, quoting you, 'head-over-heels,' in love with you. I mean, when you found out that you were partners in Potions this semester, you couldn't stop talking about it. And he just lights up when he sees you. And, he's a red, hot, smokin'–"

"Yes, thank you, Riley. I know that he's cute. But you actually think he likes me? I mean, nearly every girl falls for him...and Sirius. And to answer your earlier question, no, I didn't see him. He wasn't there," I studied a letter for a moment and suddenly recognized the handwriting. "Riley, is this from you?"

"What? I have no idea what you're talking about!" Riley said quickly. She tried to leave, but I blocked her exit.

" 'Dear Sirius, I'm not sure where to begin. You see, I have a guy problem.' What guy problem!? 'I am in love with a guy and am very loyal to him. But, lately, I have been falling for someone else. I'm not sure what to do. Should I follow my heart and fall for the other boy or be loyal to my first love? Signed, Rather Be Falling In Chocolate'?" I glared at her. "Who is this 'first love'? And who is the other guy? And you were going to send this to Sirius but weren't going to tell me?"

"Umm...it was a gag letter?"

"Nice try. Be honest."

"Okay...well, you know how I'm dating Rich–"

"Richowski? Gawd, I hate that kid...his parents weren't clever when naming him. Who name's their kid 'Rich Richowski'?"

"And, well, I'm falling for...Sirius?" My jaw dropped. My eyes bugged. I could not believe this. My best friend was falling for one of my enemies. I fell back onto my bed.

"I can't believe you...that's like being friends with Lily...and you haven't even spoken to him..."

"Well...I fell for his looks. That black hair, and his gray eyes, and how they light up every time he jinxes Snivellus–"

"That is not him name. Call him 'Severus' or 'Snape'," It burnt me every time the were cruel to Snape. And Snape didn't have the guts to stand up for himself.

"Since when are you friends with Snivellus?"

"I'm not. But it is totally unfair to cruel to him. He hasn't done anything to you!" I caught my self. I was defending Axel grease on legs.

"He was born!" I snorted and stormed to the common room. I looked at my watch and groaned. I was going to be late for class. I ran out of the common room and began to go to Potions. I ran into Pitsy, I mean, Peter and apologized. I began to walk off and he stopped me.

"Hi, Willow...you sure look nice..."

"Erm...thank you, Pitsy. I MEAN PETEY! No, uh, _Peter_. Um, I've got to go to Potions–"

"I was wondering," Oh, shit. "You would like to go to Hogsmeade with me?" Shit! How was I going to tell him no? He looked like he was about to cry...

"Well, I mean–"

"Wormtail, whatchya doing?" A familiar voice asked. I turned to see Remus standing behind me, grinning like a madman. I smiled back at him.

"I was asking Willow if she would like to go Hogsmeade with me. Well, Willow?" I opened my mouth.

"Wormtail, she's going with me. Sorry, mate," Remus answered. I turned red and nodded.

"Oh...well...sorry..." Pitsy turned and walked off. I let out a sigh of relief and smiled gratefully at Remus.

"Thank you. I had no idea how I was going to say 'no,'" He nodded and began to walk alongside me.

"Not a problem. Peter's nice, just not hygienic. I understand."

"Really? I mean, 'cause he's like one of your best friends–"

"Once again, I understand. So, do you?"

"Do I what?' I asked, dropping one of my books. He picked it up for me and handed it back.

"Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me? I understand if you say 'no,' I'm no Sirius," He said kindly.

"Yes, you're far better than Sirius. I'd love to, actually. Oh, shit!" I cursed. "I can't. I have to help answer advice letters with _him,_" Damn Sirius. The one time Remus asks me on a date, and I have to be with the one person I hate being with! "I'm sorry. I really wanted to go..."

"It's fine. Some other time."

"Ms. Jackson, Mr. Lupin! Please, sit," Slughorn said from the front of the classroom. We sat down and Remus began scribbling something down. He threw it across the classroom to Peter who was hunched over a book. I heard Peter giggle as he threw it to James, who showed it to Lily who threw it to Sirius. Sirius opened it and roared with laughter. Slughorn glared at him and Sirius feigned a cough. I looked over to see Riley, giving goo-goo eyes to Sirius.

_I can't believe you._

I passed this note to my friend and she sighed while reading it.

_R: Sorry. Can you forgive me? -puppy dog eyes-_

_W: I suppose._

_R: I have a favor to ask, lovey!_

_W: What?_

_R: Would you mind asking Sirius if he knows me this weekend?_

_W: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!_

_R: PLEASE?_

_W:NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!_

_R: C'mon, Willow! Why do you think Remus asked you to Hogsmeade?_

_W: YOU MADE HIM ASK ME?_

_R: NO! Just gave him a bit of encouragement._

Here I wrote some rather crude language and passed it to her. I refused to take it back. Remus tapped my elbow and handed me a note. I expected it to be from him, but no! The world is cruel.

_S: So...how's life?_

_W: Peachy keen. Why?_

_S: Well, I wanted to know if you could introduce me to your blonde friend._

I looked at him, confused, and he pointed at Riley.

_W: Her? No. You wouldn't like her. She's not your type._

_S: Palm Tree, "girl" is my type._

_W: My name is Willow._

_S: I see what's happening here._

_W: And what is that?_

_S: You want to keep me all to yourself!_

_W: Oh, yes, Sirius. It's just like the time I dated one of the Wicked Sisters!_

_S: YOU DATED ONE OF THE WICKED SISTERS?_

_W: No, dumb ass! I was being sarcastic._

_S: But you still want me!_

_W: Her name is Riley Turnbow! She is my so-called best friend and is practically in love with you! Happy now, you dirty little wanker!?_

_S: Yes, very. So, we still on for Saturday? -winning smile-_

_W: I wish we weren't. _

_S: Ah. Remus asked you out?_

_W: None of your business. Why am I even continuing this note!?_

Here I chucked it at his head and began to pay attention to the lecture.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Herbology...With Slytherins

"Everyone, please, get a partner! We will be potting the rare Mimbulus Mimbletonia, today!" Professor Sprout squeaked. I sighed and looked around for a partner. I ignored Riley's pleading glances as she sat next to Rich, and the only person without a partner was Snape, and he looked like he wasn't expecting one. I walked over to where he was sitting and sat down.

"'Lo. I'm Willow," I stated as he looked at me, dumbfounded.

"Severus. Unless you're a fan-girl," Snape said, pointing at the window where the Marauders were sitting, and only a spitting distance away was a gaggle of giggling girls, "Then it's 'Snivellus.'"

"Pleasure to meet you, Severus," He smirked at his real name and nodded. He handed me a pot with a hideous cactus covered in boils inside of it. I tried to poke a boil but Snape knocked my hand away from it.

"It'll spit a whole lot of smelly stuff if you poke it."

"Eww..."

"Sorry, didn't mean to touch you," He sighed. How sad. Everyone was so cruel to him that he thought I was "ew"-ing because he touched me.

"No, it's not that. It's the plant," I assured him while filling a pot with green soil. He lifted the plant out and placed it in to the newly filled pot. We sat in awkward silence while I finished filling the pot.

"So, you have to do the advice column with Black...?" He asked. I groaned.

"Yes."

"That must suck."

"It does. He has the worst advice in the history of man-kind, and he has the brain of one of the boils on the stupid cactuses. He has a poor sense of humor–"

"I was just making a comment, Willow."

"Oh. Sorry," I took out the letters I had to sort through and began to do so in front of him. "And then there's bloody Potter and Evans–"

"What's wrong with Lily?" He asked defensively. I opened my mouth and closed it again.

"I can't remember why we hate each other..wait, I think I do! When we were in second year, during potions, I accidentally spilled essence of troll onto her...she smelled for weeks. She never forgave me after that," He stared at me, once again, dumbfounded.

"You did that? She told me it was Potter–"

"Wait, you're friends with her? But she's cruel to you!"

"I was before sixth year. Now she hates me," Then he muttered under his breath, "Like everyone else."

"I don't hate you, know, do I? I sat by you. I talked to you. Now how many people outside of you're pure-blood-mania group do that?" He glared at the nick name I gave his friends.

"We aren't pure blood fanatics."

"Then why are only pure bloods in your club?"

"Because they are the only ones who wish to join!"

"It's just a coincidence that the only people in your club are pure bloods?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So if I wanted to join, my mother being a muggle-born and my father being a pure blood, you would let me?"

"Yes?" I glared at him and he glared back.

"Fine. No, you wouldn't 'join'," Professor Sprout waddled over to us.

"Fine work, you two! Keep it up! Class dismissed!" I grabbed the letters, my bag and stood up.

"Bye, Severus. See you, later," I walked out of the classroom, hearing the low sound of laughter.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Saturday, October 19th, 10:34 AM

I knocked on the portrait again and waited for it to open.

"Aren't you from that charming little paper?" The portrait asked. I smiled and nodded.

"Willow Jackson, I'm the editor. Pleasure to meet you," I answered politely. She beamed at me and laughed.

"You are so polite. Why are you waiting out here?"

"Um, I have to write responses to letters with Sirius Black. I'm waiting for him to open the...err, door..?"

"Oh, well, come on in. I'm sure it will be fine, you do have a pass?" I showed her a signed permission form and she smiled again. "Pass."

"Thank you," I walked through the opening and into the common room. "Sirius?"

"Wha?" He yawned while walking out of the boys' dormitories. I screamed and turned away from him.

"Sirius, mind putting on some boxers?" I hissed. I heard him yelp and run upstairs. I shuddered at the recent memory and suddenly felt sick. I turned to see him dressed in sweatpants and a tight shirt.

"Okay, I'm changed. Sorry 'bout that, it's just so natural, and no one's ever here–"

"That's great. Umm, why don't we sit down," I sat in a chair farthest away from the couch and he sat on the couch, laughing. "That was so not funny, Sirius."

"Yes, it was!" I rolled my eyes and pulled out some letters.

"We're going to answer these today. You can read, I'll write," He lifted the first letter up and cleared his throat.

"Dear Sirius, I just saw the greatest body of all time, and I didn't like it–"

"Sirius! Read the real letter!"

"Fine. Ahem, 'Dear Sirius,

Every morning I face a humongourous issue. Blue or pink eyeshadow?

Signed,

XOXO All For You.'" He paused and thought for a moment. "Honey, I don't care, as long as I can see–"

"Don't even _finish _that sentence! Okay, 'Dear All For You, Choose which ever eyeshadow fits your mood. Pink when you're happy–" Sirius snorted and I glared at him.

"What? I mean, when _I'm _happy, I–"

"Yes, I know what being happy is for you, Sirius. 'And blue for you're moody days. Signed, Sirius.' How's that?" He shurgged and I rolled my eyes. "Next letter."

"Magic words?" He asked smugly. I smiled innocently.

"Now, before I kick your ass to America."

"Fine, geez. 'Dear Sirius,

I am a very young, curious boy. My parents say this is just a phase, but I'm pretty sure it's not. I'm trying to get the attention of someone special, (hint, you!) What do you like in a guy?

Love,

All yours."

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Sirius screeched. I rolled my eyes and picked my pen up.

0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Thanks for waiting! Sorry it took so long!


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